Edit: Theresa Green is the author of this wonderful piece; it is archived here:
Boromir: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***
You are now the proud owner of a BOROMIR! In order to obtain top
performance from your Man of Gondor, please follow the procedures detailed
in this manual.
Type: Human (male)
Manufacturers: Denethor and Finduilas, (Stewards‘R’Us Ltd.), Minas Tirith
Date of Manufacture: Year 2978 of the Third Age
Height: 5 feet 11 inches
Weight: 180 lbs
Power Output: Awesome
Your BOROMIR comes equipped with a host of travel-stained accessories,
including a sword, shield, fur-lined cloak and, of course, a horn.
*** CAUTION ***
It is not uncommon for the BOROMIR model to attempt to filch accessories
from other units, particularly anything in the way of jewellery. This is
not to be encouraged, even if your BOROMIR claims that the item in
question is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor.
Not only is your BOROMIR a fine example of stalwart Gondorian masculinity,
he can also be utilised successfully in several capacities:
Used in conjunction with the ARAGORN model, your BOROMIR can clear a path
through even the deepest snowdrift. Note: If these two models become
discouraged, send a Mk I LEGOLAS to act as navigator.
Your BOROMIR’s burly physique means that he is admirably suited to
carrying children, either on his back or one under each arm. During deep
snowfall, your BOROMIR will ensure that your kids get out and about.
Ignore your BOROMIR’s complaint that the cold will be the death of them.
Your BOROMIR has been programmed to instruct your children in the art of
swordplay. Do not worry if they trick him into lowering his guard and
wrestle him playfully to the ground - your BOROMIR has been trained to
keep his good-humour and suppress his natural warrior’s urge to beat them
to a bloody pulp.
Your BOROMIR’s fondness for carrying his large, circular shield everywhere
makes him well suited to serving at the dinner table. With practice, your
BOROMIR will be able to carry three plates of lobster
thermidore with his shield balanced on one hand.
Those owners who already have an ARAGORN model may be labouring under the
misapprehension that it is impossible to maintain a Man in a decent state
of cleanliness. (Female owners who have been married for more than a
fortnight may also have come to the same conclusion.) However, your
BOROMIR can be kept in a hygienic condition if you follow this grooming
regime on a daily basis:
* Trim beard.
* Comb hair.
* Clean nails.
* Change tunic/shirt/leggings/cloak.
* Shower whole BOROMIR unit.
On completion of the showering procedure, dry your BOROMIR by rubbing him
briskly with a towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing
line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.
Do not expose your BOROMIR to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity,
excessive humidity or staggeringly evil Rings of Power.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: I have told my BOROMIR that I am taking him with me when I go on
holiday to the Highlands of Scotland. He insists on us taking huge chunks
of wood to burn in case we get stuck in our attempt to climb Ben Nevis.
What should I do?
A: This is perfectly normal behaviour for a well-travelled model such as
the BOROMIR. Reassure your BOROMIR that Ben Nevis is 2000 feet lower than
Caradhras and that it is, after all, the middle of August! If he continues
to fret, humour him by packing some barbeque charcoal and a packet of
Q: Is it safe for my BOROMIR to go white-water rafting?
A: Yes, absolutely! BOROMIRs have an uncanny knack of staying in boats,
even after they have been cast adrift over huge waterfalls.
Q: My BOROMIR and ARAGORN units are antagonistic towards one another. Is
this a case of hardware incompatibility?
A: As with the LEGOLAS and GIMLI units, the default interaction setting
for the BOROMIR and ARAGORN models is ‘Barely Veiled Hostility’. This
means that your BOROMIR and ARAGORN units begin their working lives in
a state of enmity. The explanation for this is that their career plans are
mutually incompatible. However the time-keeping mechanism within these
models is arranged such that the dynamic between the two models
alters after a few weeks. (This is called the ‘Friendly Chat In
Lothlorien’ stage). After a longer period, you may find that the
interaction between ‘Da Gondor Boyz’ becomes positively affectionate.
(This phase is known as the ‘I Would Have Followed You, My
Brother, My Captain, My King’ period.)
Problem: Before every journey your BOROMIR insists on sounding the Horn of
Gondor. The neighbours are complaining. You have asked him to stop,
explaining patiently that such actions are necessary only when dire need
is upon you, but he insists that he will not go forth as a thief in the
Solution: It is almost impossible to override your BOROMIR’s programming
in this respect. The best thing to do is to hide the war-horn and give
your BOROMIR one of those paper squeakers that you get in Christmas
crackers. This will enable him to fulfil his urge to blow something before
setting forth without prompting letters from the Noise Abatement Society.
Problem: Your BOROMIR makes disparaging comments during the Queen's
Solution: BOROMIRs are notoriously hostile towards the monarchy and tend
to go around muttering, “Britain has no king. Britain needs no king”.
Problem: Your BOROMIR is upset because your ARAGORN model keeps stealing
his wrist braces.
Solution: Threaten your ARAGORN by telling him that ‘The Sword That Was
Broken’ can jolly well be broken again if he doesn’t behave himself. If
that does not work, distract your ARAGORN with a partially unwrapped
Problem: Your BOROMIR keeps rooting through your jewellery box.
Solution: This is a fault inherent in the BOROMIR model. Learn to live
with it. Try to regard it as one of those amusing little quirks that makes
him interesting. If the malfunction becomes severe, give your BOROMIR an
old curtain ring and tell him to, “Keep it secret and keep it safe!” This
will ensure that he stays out of mischief.
Problem: Your BOROMIR shows no interest in jewellery and has become
fascinated by the fair-haired young woman who lives next door. She is the
niece of the Secretary of the Pony Club. She’s awfully pretty, but
a bit of a tomboy.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. On the
bright side, you have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. Stop
Problem: Your BOROMIR keeps vanishing on Saturday afternoons and there are
a large number of Sheffield United Football Club match-day programs lying
around the house.
Solution: Check your BOROMIR’s left shoulder. If you find a tattoo reading
“100% Blade”, then you have been fortunate enough to have been issued with
SEAN BEAN. Make the most of the opportunities this presents
before the South Yorkshire Police ‘Missing Persons’ squad gives you a
visit. In the highly unlikely event that you do not wish to keep SEAN
BEAN, feel free to post him to Margaret Grenawalt, Reading, PA.
Problem: Your BOROMIR is reluctant to help with the gardening.
Solution: Your BOROMIR will generally be more amenable to following orders
if you whisper them to him in a poetic style while he is asleep. For
“Seek for the spade that is broken,
In garden shed it dwells…”
**If this fails, tell your BOROMIR that you are thinking of employing a
FARAMIR to do the gardening. Your BOROMIR will immediately claim that the
job is too dangerous for a FARAMIR and rush headlong to do it himself.****
Problem: Your BOROMIR is not interacting successfully with your GALADRIEL
unit. He cannot meet her gaze, trembles and sweats profusely.
Solution: GALADRIELs are unusually sensitive to malfunctions in other
models. It may be that she has detected a bug in your BOROMIR’s
programming. Encourage your GALADRIEL to put BOROMIR at his ease by
giving him a gift, e.g. a golden belt. If the problem persists and you are
otherwise satisfied with your BOROMIR’s performance, throw away your
Problem: Your BOROMIR’s balance is atrocious. He keeps teetering on the
brink of sheer cliffs, dropping torches and flailing his arms around
Solution: Purchase a Mk II LEGOLAS. The wood-elf unit is programmed to
rescue wobbling BOROMIRs.
Due to the somewhat volatile nature of the BOROMIR model, you will find
that you have not been issued with a guarantee. Those owners who are
already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with Elven
units may find this rather disappointing but such is the nature of your
BOROMIR. Console yourself with the thought that at least your BOROMIR
doesn’t use all your hair conditioner and strawberry-scented bubble bath.