Teri (bean4me) wrote in bean_daily,
Teri
bean4me
bean_daily

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New 12 Step Program

This was gakked from trez1 on the Viggo Mortensen IMDB message board. She adapted it to Viggo from another board. I absolutely LOVE it but told her that it will never happen in my lifetime (especially Step #6). I’ve now adapted it for Bean.

 

A 12-Step Guide to Beating the Sean Bean Addiction

Step 1.  Admit you have a problem. You are powerless over Sean Bean - your obsession has become unmanageable.

Step 2.  Learn about another actor, any actor, besides Sean. If the other actor is in the same film as Sean, however, it doesn't count as this will enable you to simultaneously "obsess".

Step 3.  Physically remove your “Lady Chatterly” DVD from the DVD player, put it away along with your extended “Lord of the Rings” and “National Treasure” DVDs. It doesn’t count if you merely place them on top of the DVD player. This technique also applies to your Sean Bean VHS collection. Take Sean on ITV1, BBC, Good Morning America, and any other TV program Sean has ever been on and put it away with your other tapes (if you have any). It doesn’t count if you merely “eject” the tape. You must remove the tape and put it away!

Step 4.  Accept that Sean Bean is not going to be with you. If you are attempting to initiate a hook up, try neutralizing these unrealistic fantasies by being grounded in solid relationships with actual people you can see and feel. This is commonly referred to as CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Repeated induced exposure to real life relationships will overtime help you effectively manage your delusion that Sean Bean is your soul mate.

Step 5.  You must not check your Sean-bookmarked favorites every time you go online. Instead try deleting a few of them. You must do so without feeling extreme anxiety or hopelessness. This especially applies to the compleatseanbean, imdb board, bean_daily, and the BeanBox board.

Step 6.  We are half way there and you have made some big steps toward regaining control of your life again. Step six is a milestone! You must delete your Sean Bean background and screensaver from your computer. (Gasp!!) You can do this by closing your eyes, relaxing and taking slow deep breaths. Continue breathing deeply and repeat to yourself “these are just pictures”. You may need to turn away from your computer, taking small steps further and further away, repeating “these are just pictures” and breathing deeply until you are finally able to leave the room and come to terms with your non-Bean screen saver! You might need to take this in even smaller steps. For example, choose a smaller picture of Sean every day for your background until eventually the actual Bean space is so small you can only see your plain background.

Step 7.  Do not type the words "Sean Bean", "Boromir" or "Ian Howe" in your search engine. Do not look up Sean on Yahoo Personals or msn People Seeker. Doing so would indicate that you have had a “break from reality”.

Step 8.  Do not encourage your lover to alter his appearance so you can “play Boromir” with him. Example; Do not ask him to carry a sword, wear leather, grow hair/stubble, or stare at rings. Also resist calling your lover “Oliver” during acts of intimacy. Resist the urge to run nekkid in the rain. Do not call out Ian, Mellors, Boromir, Tom, Odysseus or any characters Sean has played or will play. If your lover agrees to play along with you, you are both suffering from” shared delusional disorder”. Do not buy props or outfits worn by him or his costars from his movies and recreate scenes(!). Medication and booster sessions of reality lovemaking are recommended.

Step 9.  Acknowledge a higher power other than Sean Bean and relinquish delusion of control. You have none. Ask your higher power to help you control your preoccupation with him. As the Sean thoughts, impulses and images are not simply excessive but completely compulsive and out of control, you may say this Prayer “Heal me from my Bean Addiction, help me to live one day at a time Sean Bean free. Help me to remove unhealthy traces of Bean from my life. With that prayer take a deep breath and delete your collection of jpegs from your hard drive, throw out your “National Treasure” refrigerator magnets, Sean Bean/Boromir posters and all other things.

Step 10.  Have an entire conversation with another human being about something, anything, other than Sean Bean. Reconnect with your conversational abilities; you may need to breathe deeply several times as described in the manner of step 6. Try very hard to concentrate on what the other is saying and do not trick the other person into saying Sean’s name. Example: “What’s that new Napoleanic hero movie coming out with what’s his name? ” "Who's the guy in the new Silent Hill film?"

Step 11.  Since you are on your eleventh step of recovery now many obstacles have been removed from your path. You should be able to slowly and tentatively re-enter the real world and learn what’s going on in it all over again! Reconnect with your loved ones, ask them to help you acknowledge step 12.

Step 12.  Find closure with the statement “Sean Bean is a mere mortal.”

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